St. Patrick's Day

What a great holiday. I unfortunately have to work this year so I will be celebrating on 3/16. I have a yearly routine that occurs when I can't go out to celebrate with my fellow Irishmen. That's right, BVA is 1/4 Irish. It consists of me baking a Shepards pie, a six pack of Guiness and watching Boondock Saints. Twice. Hells yeah! I challenge anyone to come up with a better solo St. Patty's Day than that.

I hate knowing what I got for Christmas

Last night my girlfriend told me that she had gotten my Christmas present that day. I laughed and said, "Oh, really. What is it?" She then, without missing beat, told me. What the fuck? I thought my laugh suggested that I was joking and even if I wasn't, YOUR NOT SUPPOSED TO TELL ME! I like the idea of being suprised on Christmas. It is one of the very few things I enjoy about this over commercialized piece of shit holiday that is, in my opinion, is a slight on god. While I understand that is a celebration for the birth of his only begotten son, it has turned into a capitalist nightmare. Not that I have anything against capitalism. I'm actually a very big fan and anything that gets people spending money isn't all bad. That being said I am not a fan of disguised motives. I hate that this whole drive to get people to spend money is shrowded in a blanket of Christianity. The fact is Christ was not born on December 25th nor was he born in the winter. December 25th was a pagan holiday that celebrated trees or some bullshit. I am pretty sure that is why we yearly commit mas genocide on the pine tree population. Shut up, I'm not a fucking tree hugger I was just trying some creative phrasing. Another issue I have is the whole Christmas spirit fascade. I will admit that there are a few pure souls out there that absolutely grasp the concept of the Christmas spirit. Those who donate time and effort to soup kitchens or toy drives. If you do things of this nature, good for you. You seem to get it. Please recognize that this is a small percentage of people and the rest of you hethans fighting over the last Elmo have missed the point. This type of behavior is troublesome and the worst part is that you are teaching your kids that it is ok. You are the ones who have kids that scream if they didn't get what they wanted. Your kids are all about themselves on Christmas. "What did I get?" "Where are MY presents?" If you hear shit like this, your kids are selfish little brats and their behavior is all your fault. No child of mine would ever act like that unless they wanted to have a crimson colored hand print on their ass. Boy, I really went off the subject there. Here is my point. I see Christmas as a necessary evil. It certainly helps our economy. There is no arguing that. I realize that denouncing the whole thing is not an option in my family. So if I have to participate, I have to find the good points. One of those points is not knowing what I'm getting ahead of time. The other is the food.

C-note

That's right folks. 100 lbs. lost to date. I can't believe it. It sounds weird to say. "I've lost 100 lbs." No surgery. No fad diets. Just watching what I eat and exercise. I never would have thought I could do it but now that it is done I want to lose more. It's funny how that works.

Ambitious

A week or so ago, I posted that I was trying to get hired as a Santa Rosa police officer. I have two tests out of the way and now have to schedule my third. Things are going well and I hope they continue. The reason I'm writing this post has nothing to do with that. Last Monday I signed up to do a mini-triathlon. It starts of with a 1/2 mile swim. Then immediatly followed by a 21.7 mile bike ride and finished with a 3 mile run. Now for those of you who know me well, you know that there is no way I'll not finish this thing but I've got to tell you I may have bitten off more than I can chew. I did the swim on Sunday and then half the bike ride and I was beaten down. I thought that maybe I will have to drop out. Then yesterday I decided to keep training and ran the 3 miles without stopping. That is the first time I had ever done that in my life. It gave me a ton of confidence to lead me to believe that if I just keep training I might just pull this thing off. I weigh less now than I did when I was a senior in high school and I am in the best shape of my life. This will be a huge accomplishment for me and an exciting mile stone in my quest to become physically fit.
As an update to my physical fitness I'll just say that this quest started in May 2004 when I stepped on a scale and weighd in at 376 lbs. I stepped on a scale this morning and weighed 287 pounds. Over the weekend my girlfriend showed me a picture of myself from Jan. 2004 and I lost my breath. You don't really notice how much thinner you are until you see something like a picture or you find an old pair of pants that wouldn't stay up if you had a belt and some duct tape. I must say there is nothing like it.

Ode to the shocker

My buddy sent me this and I had to post it. I was fucking in pain from laughing.


Two in the crack, one in the back
Two in the kitty, one in the shitty
Two in the moose, one in the caboose
Two in the poon, one in the moon
Two in the girl, one in the swirl
Two in the gash, one in the stash
Two in the twat, one in the balloon knot
Two in the punanny, one in the fanny
Two in the beaver, one to check for fever
Two in the bush, one in the tush
Two in the pink slot, one in the stink pot
Two in the flap, one in the crap
Two in the cunt, one to make her grunt
Two in the fun, one in the bun
Two in the giney, one in the hiney
Two in the goo, one in the poo
Two in the grass, one in the ass
Two in the gutter, one in the turdcutter
Two in the hair pie, one in the brown eye
Two in the humper, one in the dumper
Two in the junk, one in the trunk
Two in her meat, one in her seat
Two in the bank, one in the stank
Two in the muff, one in the stuff
Two in the cootie, one in the booty
Two in the pocket, one in the chocolate

I know this post was crass but I just couldn't help it.

Back in the game biotch.

I have not posted for many months. I began thinking about this blog the other day and wondering, to myself, why I hadn't posted. I didn't think I had anything to write. Then it occurred to me that it doesn't matter what I write because nobody reads this piece of shit blog anyways. I then thought why not just use it for everyday shit that crosses my mind. That was it's original purpose. So here goes.

I recently applied for a job with the Santa Rosa Police. I have had people ask me why I would apply for this type of job. I think it has to do with my childhood fascination with the police. I remember as a kid watching CHiPs and thinking that I too would one day be Officer John Baker of Frank Poncherillo. Riding my motorcycle around the freeways of L.A. catching bad guys in less than an hour with commercials. Obviously I know that this is not the life of an actual police officer now but I was six at the time. I think I just want to be someone people can look up to. Fuck, I don't know, maybe I just want to be a super hero. Either way this is a dream I've had as long as I can remember. I thought about doing this when I was in my early 20's but I was immature and still needed to grow up. Now my 20's are gone. I still have an immature sense of humor but my world view is a lot more mature. I feel like this is an opportunity that crossed paths with my life long dream.

I have a friend that is partly responsible for this leap into the dream world. I watch him pine over his dream endlessly everyday and look for every angle he can to make it come true. I would call it inspirational but he hasn't been able to make his dream happen so I have to just be impressed by the vocalization of his dream. So that's it. It's time to walk the walk bro. Put on your button up plaid shirt and your high rise khaki's. Slap on your "Berryz" signature backpack, put your favorite action figure in your front breast pocket and throw up that signature jpop peace sign and get on a plane. It is time to go. The land of the rising sun awaits with some underage princess that has an extra high pitched voice and a crappy backbeat looking to sweep you off your feet. Sounds fuckin lame to me but you gotta go. By the way this fuck nut knows who he is. He is the only person who reads this train wreck of a blog besides some family and a few co-workers.

That is all for now. Just an everyday rant fueled by bullshit and booz for anybody that stumbles onto thedullest of all blogspots. Punchin' out.

New Favorite Flick

This movie kicks ass.

BVA playin ball